Loyal to misery

Someone once told me that I like pain and I like to be sad. That person quickly exited my life. He could not associate himself with pain. He wanted to be happy. And my low, despondent, depressive mood was far too much for him to bare.

Fair enough. I never saw myself as a massochist but then I had an epiphany. Yes, I came to myself. It was then I realised that I surrounded myself with hurtful things, I always looked for the hard way out and always made things more than what they were in my head.

Why did I like pain? Is it because it was familiar to me? What was so troubling about my past that caused me to love pain?

It was evident. Growing up in chaos was all that I knew and that became my norm. A settling ,peaceful environment, was unfamiliar to me and I disliked it. So I caused drama everywhere I went. I may not have done it outwardly but it was certainly in my spirit.

I didn’t like or trust anyone. I became cynical and hateful and if there was no drama, I created it, often times in my head.

And so, I thought no one liked or loved me and I didn’t like or love them either. People were disposable to me. “I use you for what I want”, mentality. I could have cared less about anyone or anything but myself. But little did I know that it would turn around and bite me on the butt, because hunni, you reap what you sow.

And that bite as small as it was, brought me to my knees and I questioned God. “Why me?” “Why is everyone against me?”, “Why does no one love me?” What a big baby! Me, me, me smh. Everything was about me and my past and how hurt I was.

This seed that was planted in me as a child grew significantly. I knew pain, I was loyal to it and that was the only thing that made me happy.

The crying made me happy, and so did the sad stories of my past. I loved living there and worshipping those memories. That was, until I had an epiphany. God used someone to hurt me and tell me about myself so that I could change. A stranger too. And I cried and screamed because I knew in my heart I was not that person. But I had to accept it in order to change.

I did not accept that I was that person. I accepted what I did. And the hard part was forgiving myself. I knew God forgave me after repenting but forgiving myself was harder than I thought. But I had to in order to move on. Yes forgetting what is behind and pressing forward to what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13). I honestly don’t know how I had the energy to be hateful and angry all the time. Walking in God’s grace is much better. I chose to be happy. I divorced misery.

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